How Well Do You Communicate With Your Partner?
Helpful Communication Tips With Your Partner
I used to think that I had pretty good communication with my husband and now not so much. Lately, he has been getting on my nerves. More then usual. Sound familiar? It doesn’t help his cause that I am about to start my monthly cycle either. I try to let things go when he continues to say the same things that upset me or turn a blind eye to certain things that he will do even though I have asked him not to. I am rolling my eyes, giving him the cold shoulder, being snippy and snarky… all of my usual go to solutions that don’t get results. I do them anyways. I know this and yet I still do it. Why can’t I just talk to him? There just never seems to be a good time to talk. I have my list of excuses…. I am too tired, he is too tired, it’s late, our two year old consumes every moment of our time….
Lately, I am having a hard time talking to my husband. I sat down and really started to think about. In my head I think about what I want to say and I talk to myself out loud and then when it comes time to talk to him…. I can’t get the words out. If I do manage to say something it sounds nothing like how I said it to myself. So what ends up happening is I will text him. I used to be OK with this form of communication. It was the only way for him to hear me… or at least I thought. Sending a text lacks emotion and feelings. Yes, he is reading me text but does he feel what I am saying?
My son recently told me how he likes a girl and he got her number. I thought that he would call her. According to my son all they do is text. I was baffled. How can you have a relationship with someone or even a connection when the only way you communicate is via text? Then it hit me!!! That’s the only way I communicate with my husband as of late. If I was sitting there telling my son that he had to talk to this girl in person or call her on the phone then I had to practice what I preach.
Here are some helpful tips that I am going to try…….
1. Write down what you want to say
I used to write letters…. this was of course before texting was a thing. I need to write down what I want to say and use my note to talk to my husband. Writing down what you are thinking and feeling is also a good way to release any frustrations, anger, and hurt feelings. Writing has been a form of emotional release for me. Sometimes I have to do some re-writes. I get out the mean thoughts in my head and realize that’s not what I want to say to my husband because I know it will hurt him. I also know that I can’t say…. “You always… or you never” Those are two lines that shut my husband down and stop him from listening. So stay away from the words that cut off communication. I also will write things down and then take a break and come back to it a little later.
2. Set up a time to talk
Once I write it down I need to let my husband know that I want ten minutes to talk to him. With my husband you need to keep it short and sweet. He would probably prefer I don’t talk to him at all about issues and let it go. I know he cringes when I say we need to talk.
3. Hold their hand
It helps to hold their hand even if you’re upset. Trust me… the last thing I want to do is hold my husband’s hand when he has upset me, but having that closeness does help my anger or hurt feelings to fade.
4. Stop and listen….
Hear what they have to say. Chances are you aren’t the only one that has something to say. You’ve had your turn and now it’s theirs. This is hard for me. I am learning that I need to listen and not react without taking a moment to say… I hear you and I will work on that… or isn’t that interesting… or you might be right….. That is my way of secretly saying F.U. because in my mind this is about my feelings and not his. Yes, I know I can be a selfish brat. I quickly realize that he too has his feelings and I need to be aware.
5. Remember the only person you can change is yourself
Only person that you are in complete control of is yourself. I would love for my husband to be the exact person I want him or need him to be but that’s not realistic and kinda boring. If we never had a fight… we would never have mind blowing make up sex. So there is that as well. But in all seriousness…. Things change when you change. I know that I have to work on how I react to my husband’s actions or behaviors. It is crucial that I need to tell him if something is bothering me and not let it fester for a month until I explode.
In conclusion, I know what is going on inside of my head isn’t my husband’s problem to fix. I need to remember that he is my partner and I don’t need to do this alone. The little pet peeve things that he is doing are upsetting me, but they aren’t the root of the problem. It’s all me. The anniversary of my grandma’s death is right around the corner, I over spent on Christmas and money is tight, my two year old has entered the trying two’s phase, my sixteen year old is well sixteen so there’s that, work is slower then usual after the holidays, I am trying to work on posting more on the blog, I have a huge list of things to do that I can’t seem to get done, being a bride’s maid in a wedding, I have a friend battling breast cancer, and doctor’s appointments I need to schedule.
I am having a moment as I write this realizing that yes, Definitely talking to my husband this evening… First thing to do is to apologize. Everything that I am feeling had been building up and I thought it was because he was doing everything wrong. Turns out that everything I was feeling, I allowed to fester inside of me without talking about it. I let it build up to a point where I lashed out, and towards someone that didn’t deserve my wrath. Well, he did kind of deserve it a little…. but not enough for me to completely shut him out like I have. Admitting your wrong is the first step right? Talking things out….even with yourself can be very therapeutic.